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| original picture not mine |
I have this indescribable feeling at the bottom of my heart. It's a mixture of loneliness, and need. Lately I've been losing myself in my thoughts. I'd be mindlessly doing something, when an idea would suddenly invade my mind. I would find myself just stopping whatever I'd be doing, and just look up and around. I'd look out the window and deep into the sky and I'd get this feeling in my stomach. I would then look around my room and see my messy sheets and notice how empty it looks. I'd notice how the sun peeks through my curtains and think how lovely it would be to see how the light would hit your face.
I'm speaking as a teenager who had never even experienced a real relationship before. But I've seen enough films and heard enough songs to have an idea of how it would feel. In films you'd see how love can drive you crazy, how it could consume you. In songs you can hear how love can alter your way of thinking and change your mood. I'm getting to that point in my life where I'd want to experience that. I'd do anything to feel that. What could have caused this sudden need for love? I don't know. But lately I've been finding myself reaching for the side of my bed and feeling nothing but my pillow. For once in my life I'd want to feel someone there. I want to lazily roll on my side with my arms stretched and have them land on your chest.
Perfect for me is having my curtains half open on a quiet Sunday morning. The light would subtly peek through and the air would feel calm and cool. I'd have one of your shirts on which would be about two sizes bigger, and my legs would be tangled in yours. My breath would feel warm against your chest and your arm would fit perfectly around my shoulders. We'd lay in silence cause we both know what the other would be thinking. I'd want to repeat the words I love you over and over again, but I wouldn't have to cause me holding on to you would be enough. I wanna feel your skin against mine as we talk mindlessly about our dreams and aspirations. Then our conversation would divert to childhood stories and embarrassing moments. You'd kiss my hand and my mind would be put to ease.
I'd look at your face and find heaven in your smile. I'd listen to the words you speak and it'd be like music to my ears.
I had forgotten how it felt like to fancy someone. I had forgotten how it felt to have a sudden rush inside me whenever I'd hear your name. I had forgotten how it felt like to be inspired by someone other than myself.
I'm not the type to ask for much. For birthdays and such, I'd usually just ask to be around my friends and family. That for me would be enough. But now I'm wishing for something that I know would be hard to find. Someone to hold me close and feel our hearts beat in sync with each other. Someone who would want me for me. Someone who'd never get tired of my unending rants and opinions. Someone who would look at me and see past my cold exterior. Someone who'd want to touch the deepest parts of me. Someone who'd think of the word love and have me in their mind. Someone who'd lay in their beds at 11 at night and just stare at their ceiling because they'd be longing for me. The feeling of having me next to them would consume them, as the same feelings would consume me.
Maybe I'm a dreamer for wanting this. Maybe this is just a fantasy that all these songs and movies have created about love. But until I find someone who would show me what love really is like, I would never know.
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a/n:
Wow, where did this come from? I was feeling very inspired to write, and this was the outcome. I finally got my hands on a laptop! I wouldn't be getting mine in a while though. Anyways, so I call these types of posts 'brain dumps', these are very similar to most of my journal entries. This is where I would write about something that would be bugging my mind and kind of just end up as word vomit. So, yeah, let me know what you guys think of these kinds of blog posts. With blog posts like these, you'd get to see a peak inside my brain.
xoxo, Sophia
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